Voldievil, Bella and Remuswolf Spoof Drabbles
by joshing
Summary: New chapter!Remus Lupin is... Remus: mouth open…the chocolate bar falls on the floorNo, you can’t…I need the money!I…Albus: You should have saved some money, better than ...
1. Chapter 1

I have a few minutes, so here you are a drabble…hope you like itwinks

**Disclaimer**: I do know own anything…just my mind…the characters were borrowed from J.K. Rowling, but if you're reading this, I'm sure you already know this, huh?

**Summary**: crazy drabbles. Mainly about the Dark Lord, Bellatrix and Remus/Remuswolf.

**Warning**: Some of these stories can seriously drive you insane.Don't read them if you're a sensitive person, please.

**Genre**: humour/parody

**Riddle Manor, aka Death Eaters home**

Voldemort(caressing Nagini) :My prettiest, go summon Bellatrix…I think we'll need her as our …ah…coach…(looking at a shrieking man in the floor)

Nagini : (hisses and runs away)

Shrieking man: (shrieks, screams and whimpers in pain)

Voldemort: …just shut the bloody hell up, loon…I feel too much lazy right now for another torturing round…

Bellatrix: (bows head respectfully)My master wished to see me?

Voldemort: Yes, Bella…I have a surprise for you…

(both of them go to the grounds behind the house)

Shrieking man: …what about me?

**Grounds behind the house**

(There's a pool of blood, with something shaking in the middle, some cheerfully Inferi running all around there, and a gloomy, dark, scary place fill with whits, handcuffs and chains. Voldemort and Bella are dressed in leather, cat fighting over the shaking thing in the middle of the lovely pool)

Voldemort: back off, it's mine!!!

Bella: what a pretty toy…(raises Potter' head giggling)

Voldemort: that scar of him looks awesome coloured in red…

Bella: pretty toy, indeed (starts doing strange things with the head)

(Some nails start scratching a blackboard somewhere near them)

Bella: How EXCITING!!!(starts poking Harry's eyes with a delighted face)

Voldemort: (swims and plays with some friendly Inferi)

Inferi: (tries to strangle Voldemort)

Voldemort: Aww…(takes out whit)You've been a BAD boy, dear…

Inferi: (runs away)

Voldemort: (purrs) no, you can't…(whits it to death)Aw…what a cutie…smash it by jumping all over it)Yay, funny!!!

Bellatrix: (raises the head and a lot of blood falls all over her)

Voldemort: interesting shampoo…

* * *

More another time, people!!!Hope you had some fun with them…waves hand 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do know own anything…just my mind…the characters were borrowed from J.K. Rowling, but if you're reading this, I'm sure you already know this, huh?

**Summary**: crazy drabbles. Mainly about the Dark Lord, Bellatrix and Remus/Remuswolf.

**Warning**: Some of these stories can seriously drive you insane.Don't read them if you're a sensitive person, please.

**Genre**: humour/parody

Another drabble, people! Marauders time! That scene takes place in 1971,their first year in Hogwarts

**Hogwarts Express**

Remus Lupin( looked around with nervous face.He seems a little lost)

Everybody(goes through the train pushing Remus in their way to their compartments)

Remus(runs into some compartment quickly)

First year boy(looks astonished when Remus almost falls over him in his hurry)Hey!

Compartment(is empty…there's only two boys)

Remus (blushes)…huh…sorry…I…I'm Lupin, Remus Lupin!(offers hand)

Fist year boy(stares the hand for a while and then shakes it)Snape.Severus Snape.

Remus: Can I stay here?(catches some chocolate bars in the floor and returns them to his pockets)

Severus:…I suppose so…(raises an eyebrow)It seems you're already installed…

Remus: eh…(nervous giggle)oh, yes, It seems…Wanna some chocolate?

Severus: …sugar is bad for the teeth…

Remus: ok…(munches chocolate)What year are you in? I'm in first year!

Severus:…me too…

Remus: Then we'll be classmates! That's great!(looks excited)

Severus: ….

Remus: I hope I'll be in Ravenclaw…my father was in that house too, he'd be upset if I were to another house…of course you'll go to Ravenclaw too?(stares at Severus interested)

Severus: I don't know…it's said that we have to pass an exam or something to be sorted…

Remus: (horrified) an exam?Oh my god…then, you cannot choose your house?

Severus: no…but people usually ends in the house their family were sorted before…

Remus: and what was your parents' house?

Severus: My mother went to Slytherin…

Remus: aw…(looks a little sad)Then you'll be in Slytherin, huh?

Severus: Can't you hear?I said usually, quite different than always..

Remus: (big smile)then, we'll be in Ravenclaw, I'm sure!Oh, I'm so nervous!Where is Hogwarts?Are we a bit nearer?

Severus: (rolls eyes) of course we're nearer…we've spent a lot of time here…(A woman who sells sweets appears)

Woman: wanna something, kids?

Severus: (ignores her)

Remus: (buys a lot of chocolate and the woman disappears)

Severus: (raises eyebrows) more chocolate?

Remus: Yes…I love chocolate!

Severus: I see…

Remus:Are you sure you don't wanna some chocolate?

Severus: (reluctantly)ok…give me a bit…

(Both of them eat chocolate)

Man' voice: WE'RE ARRIVING HOGWARTS…PLEASE, PUT YOUR UNIFORMS ON.

Remus: Oh! Oh!(his hands are trembling so much he cannot put his uniform cloak right)

Severus:…(puts his cloak and ends his chocolate.Then looks at his mate, who is shaking with anticipation)Try to relax yourself…

Remus: Oh, I'm so anxious…I cannot help it, sorry…I'm trying it…(smiles a little)

Severus: Just remember the exam, then…

Remus: Aw…don't be so nasty!(both of them laugh for a moment. The train stops.)

Severus: C'mon. We're supposed to go out. Leave your luggage here.

The continuatin soon… Hope you liked it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I do know own anything…just my mind…the characters were borrowed from J.K. Rowling, but if you're reading this, I'm sure you already know this, huh?

**Summary**: crazy drabbles. Mainly about the Dark Lord, Bellatrix and Remus/Remuswolf.

**Warning**: Some of these stories can seriously drive you insane.Don't read them if you're a sensitive person, please.

**Genre**: humour/parody…well, honestly this one is a little less funny…actually, I find it a little sad, but it was necessary…sorry about that

**Sorting Ceremony**

(After the Sorting Hat had sung its song, the first year students are being called by Professor McGonagall. A tall boy pushes Severus in his hurry for being the first in the line.Severus narrows his dark eyes and the boy sneers, winking at Remus. )

Professor McGonagall: Black, Sirius!

Tall boy: (runs and puts the Hat on his head)GRYFFINDOR!(The boy called Sirius runs happily to the Gryffindor table.The Sorting Hat continues with a lot of students )

Remus: (whispers) this is the exam you were talking about?

Severus: (smirks)I didn't know…You know, nobody tells you really how are you being sorted…(rolls eyes)My mother said it was an exam…trust them…

Remus: (mumbling while Evans, Lilian was being sorted to Gryffindor)My father said it was a surprise…

Severus: You see…liars…(both of them smiled)

Professor McGonagall: Lupin, Remus!

Severus: (whispering)See you soon!

Remus: Yeah!(runs to the Sorting Hat and puts it on) GRYFFINDOR! (he looked surprised for a while, then he turned to see…Severus' despise face…Remus stared at him with red ears and then he run to his table)

Tall boy: Hi, Remus! Well done!I'm Sirius Black…See, my friend is being sorted!

Remus: (looks at the next boy with the Sorting Hat, trying not to put a face which his ex-friend Severus could read too much despite the distance…Remus's a bit depressed)

Professor McGonagall:Petttigrew, Peter!

Peter: (looks nervous when he puts the Hat on his blond hair)…

Sirius: Oh, Peter…(crosses fingers)

Sorting Hat: (after a while) GRYFFINDOR!

Sirius: Yay!(Peter runs madly to Hufflepuff' table and then he realises everybody in the next table is calling him)

Peter: (sits down, with red cheeks)

Sirius: Nervous, huh?(laughs)Well, Peter, this is Remus Lupin.Remus, Peter Pettigrew.(both of them shake hands)Oh my god! Look! James is being sorted! (looks excited)

Professor McGonagall: Potter, James!

James: (puts the Hat on…) GRYFFINDOR!(James runs to hug Sirius, who looks very happy)

Sirius: Well done, James!(points at Peter)See, this is Peter Pettigrew…Pettigrew, this is James Potter…James, Remus Lupin…(the boys shake hands sharing smiles)

Remus: (tries to see Severus' selection without looking too much interested…he still has some hope …)

Professor McGonagall: Snape, Severus!

Severus: (puts the Sorting Hat on his greasy hair)SLYTHERIN!(the boy goes to his table quickly)

Remus: (tries to hide his disgust looking at Stebbins, John while he was sorted into Hufflepuff)

* * *

Oh…poor Remus…(laughs)well, that was an attempt to explain why Professor Lupin always calls his mate Severus while he continues to call him Lupin…without entering in more dangerous possibilities…(rolls eyes) well, hope you liked it!More soon! (waves hand) 


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: I do know own anything…just my mind…the characters were borrowed from J.K. Rowling, but if you're reading this, I'm sure you already know this, huh?

**Summary**: crazy drabbles. Mainly about the Dark Lord, Bellatrix and Remus/Remuswolf.

**Warning**: Some of these stories can seriously drive you insane.Don't read them if you're a sensitive person, please.

**Genre**: humour/parody

**Great Hall**

Severus: (whispers something to his Slytherins)

Slytherins: ( mumble mumble werewolf mumble professor mumble mumble)

Remus: (continues drinking a suspicious red drink in the staff' table without realising a lot of Slytherins are pointing at him and some crazy girls- Pankinson and Malfoy- are howling in the middle of the Great Hall)

Rumours: (are spreading…becoming bigger, enormous .HUGE. )

Albus: Remus…I'm truly sorry…(shakes head)…

Remus: (munches some chocolate)Oh, what now, Albus…I'm busy, you see…

Albus: You're no longer busy, Remus. You're fired.

Remus: (mouth open…the chocolate bar falls on the floor)No, you can't…I need the money!I…

Albus: You should have saved some money, better than waste it in your whits and handcuffs collection-

Remus: Hush, Albus, there are too many kiddies here, maybe another time…

Albus: (coughs) Back ON THEME…You're .fired .full. stop .

Remus: And what about the next year Mary Sues? They'll have to stand the greasy bat…

Albus: They have better people to stand…(coughs)OK. Mr. Lupin, I wanna you to leave Hogwarts tomorrow, before parents' owls full of complaints about werewolves arrive-

Remus: WTF!!!WHO KNOWS I'M A WEREWOLF?...(huge silence)

Gryffindors: …(mouth open…Percy Weasley is taking quick notes)

Ravenclaws: …(wide eyes…Marietta Edgecombe and some more chicks are shrieking in panic)

Hufflepuff:…(tongue out…Terry Boot is trying not to faint while Justin Finch-Fletchey drools)

Slytherins and Snape: (sly smirk and shared thought: Gryloser)

Albus: You fool.(raises voice)For our school' safety, Mr.Lupin will be fired.

Dean Thomas: (kneels and begs)Noooo, please…he's the best DADA professor I-we've ever had…please…(has suspicious marks all over his body)

Harry Potter: (keeps eating)

Hermione Granger: Well, he could've killed us.(keeps eating)

Ron Weasley: (is absent-mindedly looking at some point in the Hufflepuff table while he tries to put his knife with a sausage in his mouth)

Draco Malfoy: Yay, kill yourself, weasel! Less future work for me!

Ron' cheeks and nose: (are full with tomato)

Draco Malfoy: Mmmm…it looks like blood…(drools)

Remus: (meanwhile)No, Albus! I'm starving!(puppy wolf eyes)

Albus: No!Those eyes no!

Severus: (coming to the Headmaster'….rescue….)Leave Hogwarts, you wolf. Only humans allowed here.

Remus: (runs away crying)

HP fans: Aww…poor Moony…How dare you, bat…do you think on yourself as a human?

Severus: Don't abuse me or I'll call for my Mary Sues Army…

Mary Sue #1:My beauty appeared for the first time in a Star Trek fanfic…(waves blond hair while her eyes change colour)

Severus: wrong fic, dude… (sneers .Mary Sue #1 runs away pouting)

* * *

And next scene will be…(whistles) No hints at all, people! 


End file.
